I know it’s in 3 months but Where my presents at yo. I’m just kidding. It’s the end of the summer, and aside from the day you travel the globe in one night, in about 3 months… my birthday’s coming up. Nineteen. And okay okay, maybe it’s not that old.. but to me? it’s the longest I’ve ever lived. It’s my last year as a ‘teen.’ And I can’t help but think about what I’ve accomplished so far. 

You’d probably notice already but.. my wishes change yeah? From the wish of a new toy… like that cute electronic digital pet you gave me.. that lived inside a keychain thing.. and i had to shake it or whatnot. i never did wish for a pony. But anyways, I always thought it was kinda cool how you could fix your handwriting to be like every parent on the planet.

Then after awhile.. as I got older, I didn’t get presents from you anymore?… But I always kind of thought it was because I started wishing for Momma to not have cancer anymore. 

My wishes changed, and my mindset and perspective changed with it. Suddenly the dream of becoming a business woman who’s able to dress up in cute outfits everyday to work became the dream of wearing a lab coat, pursuing a health career, very possibly oncology. 

My fears? Giving up on my studies, not being able to make it far enough… and if I make it far enough, becoming numb, unable to help people, un-phased by the lost of my patients. But despite these fears, I think about Momma. I think about how numb my mind was, how I thought about everything, but at the same time I couldn’t even think. How my world spun so quickly, and how I just wanted it to pause.  How I saved the shampoo I used when she was still here. How I inhale the scent of her robe from time to time… How it took awhile for me to actually change the pair of contact lenses because it was hard for me to let go of all the things I still have when she was still breathing. How I go through life, breathing.. but pretending that it didn’t happen…

and then I think about how I NEVER want anyone to feel that way… or anyone to have to go through what she did. And I want to.. I want so badly to be a doctor.. So Badly. 

so that a child won’t have to grow up wishing to you, Santa, that her mother gets better.

so that a mother could live to see her only daughter graduate from high school.

and so after years and years, I can see my patient and say, 

”How are you my long but not lost friend?”

So this Christmas, Santa, All I can ask is for the strength, determination, and will-power to get through this. Please. Please don’t allow me to give up.

Love,

Victoria Cao

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